“WifeCode™: Five Keys Every Wife Can Use To Unlock Her Power In Her Marriage”

5colorkeysnumberedWant A Stronger Marriage? Do you want to be a better, stronger, more powerful wife? Then you need to know the WifeCode™!

Learn the “Five Keys” that EVERY wife can use to unlock her authentic power in her marriage. WifeCode™ will provide key insight into the five areas of wifely development where wives tend to stumble and sometimes fall under the immense pressure of trying to be everything to everyone EXCEPT to the one that matters the most—her spouse!

WifeCode™ contains too much information to release all at once, so one key will be released each day over the next five days to provide time for reflection before moving onto the next. Are you ready??? Subscribe today to receive each key directly in your inbox as soon as it’s released!

The First Key to the WifeCode™ is “Mastering The Art Of Communication—Always Listen Twice As Much As You Speak.”  Can’t wait to share the first key with you!

“Reclaim Your Husband’s Attention, Reclaim Your Power in Your Marriage”

wandering eye 2Okay…here’s the scenario that necessitated a post on the subject of “reclaiming your husband’s attention” as a means for a wife to reclaim her power in her marriage. I recently received an e-mail through the “Advice Files” page on the WifeFilesConfidential website from a wife who expressed her concern about her husband’s “wandering eye,” in addition to asking how she should go about letting her husband know how his actions make her feel when she catches him eyeballing other women.

Although her concerns are specific to her marriage, the question that she raised with respect to how she should handle the situation speaks to the fact that her problem with her husband exists on a much larger scale and impacts lots of couples at some point in their respective relationships.  I’ve copied the text of her e-mail below for your reference, as well as to help establish the framework for my reply:

“Dear WifeFilesConfidential: I found your blog through Twitter and decided to check it out. I was happy to see that I could send an email to get some advice because over the past few months I’ve been experiencing a problem in my marriage that I don’t feel comfortable talking about with my friends because I think they will not understand how I feel. I have been married to my husband for just over seven years, and I love my husband very much. I’m happy in my marriage, and I believe that my husband is happy too. At least until a few months ago I started to wonder because I started catching my husband checking out other women when we’re out together to the point of flirting. My husband is a friendly guy so I didn’t think too much of it at first but now it is just painfully obvious that my husband’s attention is being divided because he is checking out other women all the time. He says I have nothing to worry about when I ask him about it. I don’t know what to do or how I should address this with him. Am I being paranoid? Any advice you can give me I will really appreciate. I just need some advice on what I should do. I don’t want to end up losing my husband. Signed, A Powerless Wife”

Perhaps the one thing that struck me the most about this e-mail is the way that the writer signed off as “A Powerless Wife.” As wives, there are many different emotions that any one of us could feel at any given time in our marriages, depending on the circumstances present in our lives; however, powerless is an emotion that we should never feel. We should never surrender our power as a wife for any reason, as that’s the most valuable thing we bring to the authenticity of our marriages.

The writer’s “power” in this situation is inherent in the fact that her husband knows EXACTLY what that power is, the EXACT value of that power, and the EXACT worth of that power in relation to his bottom-line. That “power” drove his decision to marry her—he had enough sense to know that she added something to his life that he could not find in any other woman that crossed his path until he met her, so there you have it.

That’s the key to reclaiming that power in marriage—to get back to doing the basic things that shored-up the foundation on which your relationship was built. Simply put, you have to get back to doing the things that got him to commit himself to you in such a way that he vowed to make you the priority in his life. Maybe you wore a certain perfume…or massaged his shoulders after a long shift at work…or prepared his favorite meal for dinner every Tuesday night…whatever those things were, you should get back to doing them.

To answer the question of whether she’s being paranoid…I think not.  She should ALWAYS trust her intuition in everything, but should not be solely persuaded by it. I also say she should “QUIT COMPARING HERSELF TO OTHER WOMEN!” She should stop worrying about if she measures up to any other woman in her husband’s eyes. The truth of the matter is that men will marry the baddest, finest women in his eyes. If she IS that woman, which it seems that she is because he married her, all she has to do is continue to be THAT woman who caught his eye, and stay true to who she is because that’s what set her apart from the pack in the first place.

To answer the question of how she should approach the feelings with her husband, I say that she should be honest with herself about why she feels the way she does so that she can have honest and transparent conversation with her husband about her feelings. This level of self-examination and introspection can make us feel extremely vulnerable because of our fear of having our feelings dismissed and/or rejected, but this level of vulnerability and transparency is necessary to repair the trust that a situation like this can damage in a marriage. Some couples can successfully address this topic, grow from what they’ve learned from each other, and move on to the next phase of their happily-ever-after, while other couples aren’t so lucky. It is my sincere hope that this writer can reclaim her power in this situation so that she can move forward.

Copyright 2015

“Don’t Divorce Our Friendship Just Because You Said ‘I Do!’”

Tbreakup friendshiphere comes a time in every girl’s life when she begins to understand the complex dynamics of socialization with respect to where she fits into the social hierarchy. We typically come to this realization early on in life; somewhere around the time when we enter grade school.

This realization often becomes more pronounced as we grow and continue to navigate the formidable years of life, during which various aspects of popular culture, coupled with our life experiences, begin to shape, mold, and influence our perceptions, our perspectives, and ultimately our identity.

As life marches forward and we grow into adulthood, we continue to develop and establish friendships, associations, and bonds with those with whom we share similar interests and experiences. If we’ve successfully grown through each of the stages of human growth and development up to the point of adulthood, it’s likely that we made a few BFFs along the way—not to be confused with an “associate” or a “Friend” in general. Now BFFs aren’t your typical run-of-the-mill friends—a BFF, by virtue of what the acronym means, signifies that your friendship is on an entirely different level than that of an “associate” or of a regular, typical “friend.”

This level of friendship is usually one that is deeply-rooted in a history that you share with that person. You know each other’s deepest secrets. You’ve told this person things that you wouldn’t dare tell anyone else. You know that your BFF would never betray your confidence and vice-versa. You’re always there for each other, no matter what. You’ve borrowed each other’s’ clothes. You’ve laughed together. You’ve cried together. You share everything. You were inseparable—or so she thought…until your Prince Charming came along and swept you off your feet.

Then, he proposed to you. Now, you’re spending more and more time with him as you prepare to become his wife, and she’s left standing on the outside looking in while she starts to feel less like your best friend and more like a the wobbly third-wheel that’s about to fall off of the trike. You know in your heart-of-hearts that it was never your intention to make your BFF feel disenfranchised from your life as you make the transition to this new life stage in your growth and development.

After all, you two are best friends…sisters-from-another-mister-if-you-will, and nothing has ever come between you two up until this point in your friendship. So why is your BFF starting to trip now? Shouldn’t she be happy for you? The easy answer to this question is yes, but if you’re not careful with how you handle this transition in your life, you could end up unintentionally alienating those who you love the most simply because they cannot see where they fit into your new life because your priorities have shifted in such a dramatic way.

So, how do you prioritize maintaining your friendship when you get married? The answer, as simple as it sounds, can be very hard to do IF you don’t take the time to nurture the friendship during your transition to marriage. The key to maintaining your friendships after you get married is simply to find the balance between your role as a friend and your role as a wife. You also have to clearly distinguish those two roles and prioritize accordingly. Your ability to successfully find and maintain that balance will be directly related to how effective your communication skills are.

In other words, the key is to be able to maintain consistent communication with your BFF, with your spouse, and with yourself about what you’re thinking, what you need, and what you’re feeling so that you can feel secure in the fact that all of your relationships are growing, maturing, at the same rate as you are to support you as you transition to the latter phases of your growth and development. Be careful not to let your friendships fall to the wayside after you get married. It’s crucially important to your survival as a wife to be able to maintain your sense of identity and interests because, after all, your uniqueness is what attracted your spouse’s attention in the first place!

Copyright 2015

“…To Friend or Unfriend???” That Is The Question.

blended familyThere’s no easy way to delve into this topic; especially if you’ve either experienced, or are experiencing, a rift in your marriage because of your spouse’s continued “friendship” with his/her exes…or with any member of the opposite sex now that you’re married. For some, the answer to the question of whether or not men and women should remain friends with their exes or with any member of the opposite sex after they get married is pretty cut-and-dry. For others, the answer to this question is not so easily answered.

There are two distinct lines of argumentation regarding the appropriateness of spouses maintaining friendships with members of the opposite sex and with their exes. On the one hand, there are those who believe that their spouse shouldn’t have any friends of the opposite sex, especially if those friends are not mutual friends. The folks who believe this to be true are also likely to argue that any type of relationship, fellowship, communication, or friendship with their ex should not happen under any circumstance, except in situations in which they have children…maybe. On the other hand, there are those who believe that it’s perfectly okay for their spouse to have friends of the opposite sex, and are equally accepting of the ongoing friendship/relationship that their spouse maintains with his/her exes.

Regardless of where your opinion on this issue falls on the “…to friend or unfriend?” continuum, always remember that your thoughts and feelings are important, and that you should feel comfortable enough in your marriage to address your concerns with your spouse. However, it’s important that you to check your motives before approaching this topic with your spouse because this subject can become somewhat dicey in that it can cause an otherwise civil conversation to go very wrong very quickly. The key here is to be clear about the “why—“ that is, to be clear about “why” this question is an issue in your marriage in the first place.

To get to the “why,” you have to begin your quest for understanding by examining the reason why you feel the way you do. Are these friendships with members of the opposite sex causing a noticeable rift in the balance of your marriage? Have you noticed any changes in your spouse’s behavior that could be attributed to his/her friendships with members of the opposite sex? Asking yourself those two questions are a good place to start. For every question, there is usually an answer, so you must then ask yourself are you prepared to embrace and/or hear what your spouse has to say about these relationships, in particular about his/her friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with his/her exes?

In much of the same way as you examine the reasons why you feel the way you do about your spouse’s friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with their exes, you have to examine your actions in the same way. Now, take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror. Are you the one maintaining friendships with members of the opposite sex and with your exes? Can any discrepancies in your behavior be attributed to your friendships and/or relationships with members of the opposite sex? Will your spouse be prepared to embrace and/or hear what you have to say about your friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with your exes?

Do you and your spouse share similar points-of-view regarding the appropriateness of maintaining friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with exes? It’s great if you do, but can cause a considerable amount of turmoil in all aspects of your marriage if you don’t. If you and your spouse don’t agree on this issue, the rift that could result in your marriage could be irreparable. The rift could initially manifest itself as a lack of trust, which is the only thing that’s needed to cause you to doubt everything that your marriage is built on.

Copyright 2015

“Save Your Marriage With These Four Words…”

Nowadays, it seeshut up and mind your own business posterms as if everywhere you turn, there’s always someone standing ready to offer their unsolicited advice on everything from how you should handle “this” situation to what you should do about “that” and so-on and so-forth. Then, to add insult to injury, they try to bait you in even further by trying to make you second-guess yourself and feel guilty about doing what you believe to be in your own best interest.

That’s just it, though—it’s your situation—a situation that you have to live with and navigate your way through to the other side. The sad reality is that these people have become so comfortable with sticking their noses in everyone else’s business that they don’t even see how their actions serve not so much as to help as they do to hinder forward progress toward resolving the actual problem. This is where we, first as women, then as wives, have to check this behavior as soon as it manifests from those people who profess to love and care about us so much, regardless of who that person may be.

Now it’s highly likely that these folks truly believe that they have your best interest at heart, which is all they need to allow themselves to think that it’s okay for them to poke their noses in your business; especially when it comes to proffering advice on how to handle the goings-on in your marriage. That faulty logic couldn’t be farther from the truth and here’s why; simply put, YOU DIDN’T MARRY THEM! Therefore, their opinion of how you “should” handle yourself in your marriage relative to what you “need” to do given your circumstances should be irrelevant.

The point here is relatively simple: Keep people out of your matrimonial business so that you and yours will at least stand a greater chance of making it to happily ever after. You just might save your marriage with these four simple word—and those words are ”MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!” However, it is equally important to note that on the flip-side of that coin is the fact that we, as women and as wives, should always be mindful of just how much of our matrimonial business we put out into the streets when we feel the need to “confide” in anyone other than our spouse.

So now, you’re probably asking yourself “how do I do that?” I know that you don’t want to be mean to anyone or say anything that might hurt someone’s feelings, but the truth of the matter is that there is there is a distinction that can be made between truly helpful advice that often comes from people who really do have your best interest at heart and the not-so-useful advice that usually comes from the people in your life who make it their business to keep their nose all up in your business. These are the people who will COMPLETELY wreck your marriage, your life, and all that you have IF you surrender your power to the influence of their voice instead of being guided by your own. The ultimate reality is that they’re NOT you, nor could they ever be. Therefore, their efforts to “help” you see your situation played out differently based solely upon their analysis of all the ways that they would live your life better than you do is just crazy.  

Please don’t misunderstand what’s being said here. The purpose behind everything expressed herein is not to encourage anyone to reject the counsel of a licensed practitioner who is equipped to provide the level of guidance, support, and assistance needed to help you to navigate your way through/out of any type of abusive situation in which you’re being mistreated and/or victimized. If you’re currently in an abusive marriage and you’ve stumbled upon this post, please take whatever steps necessary to secure the advice, help, and support that you may need to help you make the safest, most informed decision regarding how to move forward.

I hope that I’ve clarified the difference between the advice that will come from those people who are actually in a position to help you navigate your situation for the better, and the advice that will come from those people who will always have something to say about your situation—good, bad, or indifferent. It’s not so much as what these people say as much as it is the aftermath of what they say if you choose to give whatever is said the power of your attention. #mindyourownbusiness

Copyright 2015

“Never Too Much…Is It Possible To Have Too Much Sex In Your Marriage?”

Peoplcouple-hd-wallpaper-downloadn Kissinge get married for all types of reasons. Some people marry for money. Some people marry for fame. Other people marry out of either obligation, duty, or responsibility. There are even those who get married because they’re driven to do so by their eternal commitment to, coupled with their undying love for, that special someone—the “one” with whom they vow to spend the rest of their life with until death separates them.

Just as the reasons why people get married are varied and can be complicated, so too is the truth that anything worth having is worth fighting for. It is this truth that spawned an intense and equally thought-provoking internal discussion that I had with myself focused on the connection between sexual satisfaction and matrimonial happiness. This “internal” discussion was prompted as I read an article that spoke of how next to financial stability and good communication, a lack of sexual fulfillment in marriage rounds out the top three reasons why marriages fail.

As I read the article, it began to hit home in a way that made me pause because I started to hear faint sound of a serious conversation that my husband and I had a few weeks prior regarding how our sex life had become less than fulfilling as a result of various challenges and stressors that had arisen in our relationship echoing throughout my mind. In that moment, my thoughts began to shift and I started to think about everything that sex represents in my marriage. That is when my thought process regarding matrimonial coitus was forever changed.

As I heard my husband’s voice replaying in my head as we argued about how our sex life had become practically non-existent and debated about all of the reasons why, I began to hear what he was saying for the first time. As my husband opened his heart to me, I heard every word he said about what sex with me means to him with my heart. It was at this point when I began to connect with him on a much deeper level, as I began to realize that sex with him means exactly the same thing to me. The issue for us, probably in much of the same way as it is for so many other married couples out there, was that our perspective about the importance of sex in marriage got distorted, which caused us to see the act of having sex as a means to get our individual “needs” met than to see it for the gift that it is.

For my husband, sex allows us to connect with each other physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually simultaneously, thus allowing us to experience the same moment at the highest level of intimacy and togetherness in unison. For him, sex is his deepest expression of communication that he can have with me simply because I am his wife. Yes, sex is pleasurable and can give you a great workout if you work it right; but, moreso than that, sex is our deepest and most pure mode of communication because we’re able to communicate with each other on an entirely different level…one where we know what each other is thinking and feeling without even having to ask or speak. I do share the same point of view regarding the act of sex as my husband, and the beautiful thing about being reminded of this conversation as a result of having read the article is that I now understand the importance of sex in marriage in an entirely different way.

Quite frankly, I think that as wives, we often miss the proverbial boat when we talk about how we can “use” sex to our advantage to manipulate our husbands to do what we want them to do or how we can “use” sex as a somewhat of a behavior modification tool against our husbands to deter a certain set of behaviors by refusing to have sex with them. Of course, there are many different schools of thought about sex and marriage; how much sex is enough…is it possible to have too much sex…the thoughts on which to ponder regarding this topic are endless.

However, as wives, I believe that we should have a clear understanding about why sex is important to us, and I think that it’s equally important for us to understand the same from our husbands’ perspective. It is also important to consider is that quantity without quality will never be fulfilling. I say this because if you focus on the “how many times can we ‘get it in’” over “how did we spend the time that we had connecting with each other and strengthening our bond,” you will miss valuable opportunities to strengthen your connection with your husband above and beyond the physical.

Lastly, if you consistently tend to your lawn the way that you should be, you won’t have to worry about your husband grazing in other pastures because he won’t be able to see past your property line!

So…is it possible to have too much sex in your marriage? Please leave a comment, and keep the conversation going!

Copyright 2015

“Making Peace with Your Past: How to Keep Your Past from Sabotaging Your Present.”

past present futureIf we’re honest with ourselves, we should be able to admit that we have a “past” that precedes us; the “past” being the place where we lived as individuals before we got hitched…the place that had a profound impact on shaping every aspect of the women that we’ve blossomed into today.

It is in this place where we first experienced the magic of life and all of the splendor and beauty thereof…where we learned our first lessons about living, loving, losing, caring, sharing, trusting, believing, and simply being…where we began to understand how we must fit into the mold of what it means to be a good and dutiful woman and wife simply because that’s what we’re expected to be.

Although the past holds a different meaning for each of us, there’s an undeniable unifying power in what the past represents because as women, we’ve all experienced similar issues that are unique to us—especially when it comes to the people whom we allow into our lives, how we love the way we do, and, perhaps most importantly, why we love the way we do. We’ve all experienced personal triumphs in life, as well as experienced agonizing defeats, overcome unsurmountable odds, achieved the seemingly impossible, loved hard, had our hearts shattered in the process of loving, made good decisions, made bad decisions, and the list of shared experiences can go on into infinity.

The point here is that our respective pasts, which we understand to be the sum of our life experiences—regardless of how good, bad, or indifferent—shaped the women that we’ve become. Even though we’d like to think that we’ve got it altogether, and that our past is just that, the past, the reality is that the past impacts our future whether we want to acknowledge all the ways in which our previous decisions contributed to how our lives have unfolded up until this present moment or not.

Despite the circumstances surrounding the decision-making process that helped mold who we are today, the reality is that we all hold onto the toxic by-products that result from that decision-making process,  and those by-products are like shape-shifters because they almost always assume the form of whatever looks, feels, sounds, and seems “normal” in an effort to coerce us into thinking and believing that something, someone, or certain conditions, situations, or circumstances are indeed real and tangible when what we’re witnessing is merely an illusion; or rather, something that isn’t real but seems real enough to manipulate us into constantly thinking about, meditating on, believing in, worrying about, alienating ourselves, and eventually compromising our integrity based on faulty information.

This, my Sisters-in-Matrimony, is where we begin to pack our bags and carry them into every situation and relationship that we encounter; even into our marriages. We remain in packrat-mode in an effort to mask our vulnerabilities, our insecurities, and everything else we believe will expose our weaknesses just so that we can save-face. It is at this point where we begin to replay the soundtrack of our lives, which causes us to operate from a place of insecurity as opposed to from a place of strength, power, and wisdom all because we, in our best attempt at winning, make deficit-based decisions rooted in honoring what others will think and/or perceive of us as opposed to honoring our authentic truths about ourselves, which are hidden and cluttered by all of the toxic by-products of past decisions that we continue to pack away. It’s a vicious cycle that usually manifests itself when we try our hardest to hold onto those things that are the most important to us when it feels as if we’re at risk for losing them to something or someone that falls beyond the scope of our control.

Perhaps the funniest thing about the baggage that we accumulate is that we always try to find ways to ensure that stays neatly tucked away, hidden from anyone’s sight because the danger of full exposure means that we’ll likely be perceived as a weak, vulnerable women. Even as we cram more stuff in our bags until the stress and tension causes the zipper to pop and ooze all the toxic by-products of our past decisions into our present situations, we remain guarded over our pasts because we often fail to connect how our past experiences impact how we think, act, respond, love, and feel the way we do today.

This is why it’s critically important for us to learn understand how the act of forgiveness can free us from bondage on so many different levels so that we can be free to live in and appreciate the present of each moment that we’ve been given to live in love…not allow ourselves to die a slow and miserable death because our bags have become too obese for us to carry. The beauty in this principle is that it remains the same for everyone…even for our husbands.

So how does all this talk about the past decision-making, baggage, and vulnerability better-position me to keep my past from sabotaging my present while keeping my sanity in-tact? Here, my “Sisters-in-Matrimony,” is where we have to do the work of self-examination so that we can be clear about how our pasts can impact every aspect of our present state of matrimonial bliss from how we are able to connect with and relate to our husbands and how we go about fulfilling our wifely duties. What decisions have you make in your past that are impacting how you operate as a woman and a wife in marriage and in life?

Although this is a rather loaded question, your freedom to walk in your authenticity as a woman and as a wife will only happen when you free yourself from the hurt, shame, disappointment, fear, anxiety, or whatever emotion bubbles-up in the core of your soul when you think of how your past decisions ushered you into the present state of your life. This liberation will come when you realize that your past does not define you. You might not realize how your past affects every waking moment of your life, but you owe it to yourself to make an honest attempt to understand why and how your present behavior is subconsciously driven by your past.

Maybe your past affects you the way it does because as your memories of your past experiences and traumas are triggered by stress in whatever form it appears—as issues with trust resulting from many broken relationships and familial ties with those whose duty it was to shield and protect you to being rejected by those whom you wanted but didn’t desire you in the same was to being abandoned by your father or your mother and growing up to believe that you were never worthy enough just as you are to suffering from various forms of abuse—whether physical, mental, emotional, psychological, or financial—that makes it hard for your to trust that anyone will protect you, take care of and provide for all your needs, to whatever else that causes you to cast doubt on your ability to live in the present without being weighed down by the baggage of your past.

My Sisters, the reality is that we’re now joined with our husbands; from the moment that we took our vows on our wedding day until the day that death causes us to part. You will never be able to be fully present in your future, your marriage, and in your life if you’re merely moving through your present shackled to the ghosts of the decisions of your past. Be free…get clear…and keep your sanity through the process.

Copyright 2015

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