WifeCode™ Key #1: “Master the Art Of Communication.”

5colorkeysnumberedWifeFilesConfidential is all about providing a forum through which wives can address many of the common, yet uniquely complex issues that can only be acquired through the process of growing into the role of a wife. Regardless of the many reasons that guide our decision to get married, becoming a wife is a process that requires a significant amount of personal growth and internal sacrifice to develop the character needed to not only sustain the marriage, but also to sustain the commitment made to our spouse.

While the process of growing into a wife might not be exactly the same for every wife, the process itself does not change as we all experience certain aspects of the process at one point or another, regardless of where we are in the various stages of wifely development. With that being said, there are a few fundamental key truths that undergird that process of becoming—key truths that I’ve dubbed “WifeCode™”. This post is dedicated to taking a closer look at the first of key to the WifeCode™, which is to master the art of communication. Why is communication so important, you ask? The answer is simple—it’s because communication is key to EVERYTHING! That answer is especially true if you want to sustain everything that is a happy marriage.

It’s been said that the biggest problem with communication is that we don’t listen with the intent to understand; we listen with the intent to reply. Ladies, if we’re honest with ourselves, we should be able to hold a mirror up to ourselves, acknowledge, admit, and see that there’s some truth to that statement alive within each of us. We should also be able to see how that truth is reflected in the way we communicate with those around us—especially in how we get our point across to others. As stereotypical as it may be, the reality is that women tend to project more emotion when communicating. That emotion, when it reaches a certain point, causes us to stop listening, which is usually the main culprit when the communication process breaks down.

Reaching the point of breakdown in communication is detrimental because this is the point where we become closed to seeing or understanding any point-of-view other than our own. Logic and reason give way to emotion, and we end up yelling and screaming and crying and name-calling and belittling and so-on and so-forth. This is when we lose our power because we get so caught-up in having the last word that we miss the learning opportunities that empower us to resolve conflicts as they arise when we’re engaged in the communication process.

The bottom-line is this: if we are to unlock our authentic power in our marriage, then we need to take a long, hard look at how we communicate with our spouse. Then, and only then, will we be able to own our part of what makes communication a stumbling block in marriage…and in life for that matter. After we do that, we need to do whatever needs to be done to fix it because our marriages depend on us doing so.

The key take-away here is this: if you ALWAYS feel as if your spouse doesn’t understands you…or that your spouse is against you…or that no one—especially your spouse—ever listens to you or knows where you’re coming from…or is always nit-picking, nagging, or getting-on-your-nerves…yada…yada…yada, then you need to look in the mirror and understand that the way you’re communicating with our spouse is serving to either strengthen or strangle our marriage…for better or for worse. This is the reason why communication is so important in relationships—ESPECIALLY in marriage. If you don’t have good communication in your marriage, then your marriage will fail on so many different levels.

That’s why the First Key to the WifeCode™ is Mastering the Art of Communication. I can see the question forming in your mind…and it looks something like…”well how, exactly, do I do that?”  I’m so glad you asked. Keep these three tidbits in mind whenever you think about what communication looks like in your marriage. If implemented correctly, these three strategies can help you to get your needs met whenever you communicate by shifting the focus of the exchange from “you” to “understanding” the purpose for the exchange in the first place. Doing so will help you to keep your emotions in-check, and can help you resolve any conflict that could potentially arise BEFORE things get out-of-hand…

  • Say It Like You Mean It: Oftentimes, we end-up feeling frustrated and defeated in communication because we miss those key opportunities to say “what we mean and mean what we say.” We either don’t want to say something that will hurt our spouse’s feelings or we don’t want to say the wrong thing. So what do we do? We “sugar-coat” what needs to be said so that we can spare our spouse’s feelings because after all, we don’t come across as being the ultimate bitch. Listen, I’m not talking about engaging in any type verbal abuse or anything extreme like that. I’m merely suggesting that you stop tip-toeing around what needs to be said and that you say what you have to say like you mean it with tact, diplomacy, and the utmost respect.
  • Disagree WITHOUT Being Disagreeable: Just because you and your spouse don’t see eye-to-eye when communicating at times does NOT give you the right to lash-out in a passive-aggressive, demeaning, or combative way. Your spouse is not wrong just because he doesn’t agree with you…and vice-versa. You can disagree without adding unnecessary stress to your marriage, which often sneaks in through the unkind words spoken out of anger in the heat-of-the-moment. That’s what we do when we “agree to disagree.” Also, stop being negative because negativity feeds a disagreeable spirit, and that’s just not cute.
  • Express Your Expectations Clearly: Miscommunication happens because we do not clearly state what we expect to happen. Although the world would likely be a much better place if everyone had the magical power of “mindreading,” the reality is that we were not created that way. You cannot expect for everyone to know what you thinking, feeling, believing, intending, etc., etc. Therefore, you cannot get upset when you find yourself in situations or conversations that take a turn for the worse because you “thought” that you were on the same wavelength with your spouse when, in reality, you were not. This will happen whenever you do not clearly express your thoughts, ideas, talking-points, expectations, etc. etc. up-front. Doing so will level the communicative playing field, at minimum.

And that’s it! Stay tuned for the Second Key to the WifeCode™, which will focus on the importance of reconnecting with your inner helpmeet and reintroducing her to your husband. Trust me, he’ll love you even more for doing so! In the meantime, keep the conversation going. Please comment below.

Copyright 2015

“WifeCode™: Five Keys Every Wife Can Use To Unlock Her Power In Her Marriage”

5colorkeysnumberedWant A Stronger Marriage? Do you want to be a better, stronger, more powerful wife? Then you need to know the WifeCode™!

Learn the “Five Keys” that EVERY wife can use to unlock her authentic power in her marriage. WifeCode™ will provide key insight into the five areas of wifely development where wives tend to stumble and sometimes fall under the immense pressure of trying to be everything to everyone EXCEPT to the one that matters the most—her spouse!

WifeCode™ contains too much information to release all at once, so one key will be released each day over the next five days to provide time for reflection before moving onto the next. Are you ready??? Subscribe today to receive each key directly in your inbox as soon as it’s released!

The First Key to the WifeCode™ is “Mastering The Art Of Communication—Always Listen Twice As Much As You Speak.”  Can’t wait to share the first key with you!

“Reclaim Your Husband’s Attention, Reclaim Your Power in Your Marriage”

wandering eye 2Okay…here’s the scenario that necessitated a post on the subject of “reclaiming your husband’s attention” as a means for a wife to reclaim her power in her marriage. I recently received an e-mail through the “Advice Files” page on the WifeFilesConfidential website from a wife who expressed her concern about her husband’s “wandering eye,” in addition to asking how she should go about letting her husband know how his actions make her feel when she catches him eyeballing other women.

Although her concerns are specific to her marriage, the question that she raised with respect to how she should handle the situation speaks to the fact that her problem with her husband exists on a much larger scale and impacts lots of couples at some point in their respective relationships.  I’ve copied the text of her e-mail below for your reference, as well as to help establish the framework for my reply:

“Dear WifeFilesConfidential: I found your blog through Twitter and decided to check it out. I was happy to see that I could send an email to get some advice because over the past few months I’ve been experiencing a problem in my marriage that I don’t feel comfortable talking about with my friends because I think they will not understand how I feel. I have been married to my husband for just over seven years, and I love my husband very much. I’m happy in my marriage, and I believe that my husband is happy too. At least until a few months ago I started to wonder because I started catching my husband checking out other women when we’re out together to the point of flirting. My husband is a friendly guy so I didn’t think too much of it at first but now it is just painfully obvious that my husband’s attention is being divided because he is checking out other women all the time. He says I have nothing to worry about when I ask him about it. I don’t know what to do or how I should address this with him. Am I being paranoid? Any advice you can give me I will really appreciate. I just need some advice on what I should do. I don’t want to end up losing my husband. Signed, A Powerless Wife”

Perhaps the one thing that struck me the most about this e-mail is the way that the writer signed off as “A Powerless Wife.” As wives, there are many different emotions that any one of us could feel at any given time in our marriages, depending on the circumstances present in our lives; however, powerless is an emotion that we should never feel. We should never surrender our power as a wife for any reason, as that’s the most valuable thing we bring to the authenticity of our marriages.

The writer’s “power” in this situation is inherent in the fact that her husband knows EXACTLY what that power is, the EXACT value of that power, and the EXACT worth of that power in relation to his bottom-line. That “power” drove his decision to marry her—he had enough sense to know that she added something to his life that he could not find in any other woman that crossed his path until he met her, so there you have it.

That’s the key to reclaiming that power in marriage—to get back to doing the basic things that shored-up the foundation on which your relationship was built. Simply put, you have to get back to doing the things that got him to commit himself to you in such a way that he vowed to make you the priority in his life. Maybe you wore a certain perfume…or massaged his shoulders after a long shift at work…or prepared his favorite meal for dinner every Tuesday night…whatever those things were, you should get back to doing them.

To answer the question of whether she’s being paranoid…I think not.  She should ALWAYS trust her intuition in everything, but should not be solely persuaded by it. I also say she should “QUIT COMPARING HERSELF TO OTHER WOMEN!” She should stop worrying about if she measures up to any other woman in her husband’s eyes. The truth of the matter is that men will marry the baddest, finest women in his eyes. If she IS that woman, which it seems that she is because he married her, all she has to do is continue to be THAT woman who caught his eye, and stay true to who she is because that’s what set her apart from the pack in the first place.

To answer the question of how she should approach the feelings with her husband, I say that she should be honest with herself about why she feels the way she does so that she can have honest and transparent conversation with her husband about her feelings. This level of self-examination and introspection can make us feel extremely vulnerable because of our fear of having our feelings dismissed and/or rejected, but this level of vulnerability and transparency is necessary to repair the trust that a situation like this can damage in a marriage. Some couples can successfully address this topic, grow from what they’ve learned from each other, and move on to the next phase of their happily-ever-after, while other couples aren’t so lucky. It is my sincere hope that this writer can reclaim her power in this situation so that she can move forward.

Copyright 2015

“Don’t Divorce Our Friendship Just Because You Said ‘I Do!’”

Tbreakup friendshiphere comes a time in every girl’s life when she begins to understand the complex dynamics of socialization with respect to where she fits into the social hierarchy. We typically come to this realization early on in life; somewhere around the time when we enter grade school.

This realization often becomes more pronounced as we grow and continue to navigate the formidable years of life, during which various aspects of popular culture, coupled with our life experiences, begin to shape, mold, and influence our perceptions, our perspectives, and ultimately our identity.

As life marches forward and we grow into adulthood, we continue to develop and establish friendships, associations, and bonds with those with whom we share similar interests and experiences. If we’ve successfully grown through each of the stages of human growth and development up to the point of adulthood, it’s likely that we made a few BFFs along the way—not to be confused with an “associate” or a “Friend” in general. Now BFFs aren’t your typical run-of-the-mill friends—a BFF, by virtue of what the acronym means, signifies that your friendship is on an entirely different level than that of an “associate” or of a regular, typical “friend.”

This level of friendship is usually one that is deeply-rooted in a history that you share with that person. You know each other’s deepest secrets. You’ve told this person things that you wouldn’t dare tell anyone else. You know that your BFF would never betray your confidence and vice-versa. You’re always there for each other, no matter what. You’ve borrowed each other’s’ clothes. You’ve laughed together. You’ve cried together. You share everything. You were inseparable—or so she thought…until your Prince Charming came along and swept you off your feet.

Then, he proposed to you. Now, you’re spending more and more time with him as you prepare to become his wife, and she’s left standing on the outside looking in while she starts to feel less like your best friend and more like a the wobbly third-wheel that’s about to fall off of the trike. You know in your heart-of-hearts that it was never your intention to make your BFF feel disenfranchised from your life as you make the transition to this new life stage in your growth and development.

After all, you two are best friends…sisters-from-another-mister-if-you-will, and nothing has ever come between you two up until this point in your friendship. So why is your BFF starting to trip now? Shouldn’t she be happy for you? The easy answer to this question is yes, but if you’re not careful with how you handle this transition in your life, you could end up unintentionally alienating those who you love the most simply because they cannot see where they fit into your new life because your priorities have shifted in such a dramatic way.

So, how do you prioritize maintaining your friendship when you get married? The answer, as simple as it sounds, can be very hard to do IF you don’t take the time to nurture the friendship during your transition to marriage. The key to maintaining your friendships after you get married is simply to find the balance between your role as a friend and your role as a wife. You also have to clearly distinguish those two roles and prioritize accordingly. Your ability to successfully find and maintain that balance will be directly related to how effective your communication skills are.

In other words, the key is to be able to maintain consistent communication with your BFF, with your spouse, and with yourself about what you’re thinking, what you need, and what you’re feeling so that you can feel secure in the fact that all of your relationships are growing, maturing, at the same rate as you are to support you as you transition to the latter phases of your growth and development. Be careful not to let your friendships fall to the wayside after you get married. It’s crucially important to your survival as a wife to be able to maintain your sense of identity and interests because, after all, your uniqueness is what attracted your spouse’s attention in the first place!

Copyright 2015

“…To Friend or Unfriend???” That Is The Question.

blended familyThere’s no easy way to delve into this topic; especially if you’ve either experienced, or are experiencing, a rift in your marriage because of your spouse’s continued “friendship” with his/her exes…or with any member of the opposite sex now that you’re married. For some, the answer to the question of whether or not men and women should remain friends with their exes or with any member of the opposite sex after they get married is pretty cut-and-dry. For others, the answer to this question is not so easily answered.

There are two distinct lines of argumentation regarding the appropriateness of spouses maintaining friendships with members of the opposite sex and with their exes. On the one hand, there are those who believe that their spouse shouldn’t have any friends of the opposite sex, especially if those friends are not mutual friends. The folks who believe this to be true are also likely to argue that any type of relationship, fellowship, communication, or friendship with their ex should not happen under any circumstance, except in situations in which they have children…maybe. On the other hand, there are those who believe that it’s perfectly okay for their spouse to have friends of the opposite sex, and are equally accepting of the ongoing friendship/relationship that their spouse maintains with his/her exes.

Regardless of where your opinion on this issue falls on the “…to friend or unfriend?” continuum, always remember that your thoughts and feelings are important, and that you should feel comfortable enough in your marriage to address your concerns with your spouse. However, it’s important that you to check your motives before approaching this topic with your spouse because this subject can become somewhat dicey in that it can cause an otherwise civil conversation to go very wrong very quickly. The key here is to be clear about the “why—“ that is, to be clear about “why” this question is an issue in your marriage in the first place.

To get to the “why,” you have to begin your quest for understanding by examining the reason why you feel the way you do. Are these friendships with members of the opposite sex causing a noticeable rift in the balance of your marriage? Have you noticed any changes in your spouse’s behavior that could be attributed to his/her friendships with members of the opposite sex? Asking yourself those two questions are a good place to start. For every question, there is usually an answer, so you must then ask yourself are you prepared to embrace and/or hear what your spouse has to say about these relationships, in particular about his/her friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with his/her exes?

In much of the same way as you examine the reasons why you feel the way you do about your spouse’s friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with their exes, you have to examine your actions in the same way. Now, take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror. Are you the one maintaining friendships with members of the opposite sex and with your exes? Can any discrepancies in your behavior be attributed to your friendships and/or relationships with members of the opposite sex? Will your spouse be prepared to embrace and/or hear what you have to say about your friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with your exes?

Do you and your spouse share similar points-of-view regarding the appropriateness of maintaining friendships with members of the opposite sex and/or with exes? It’s great if you do, but can cause a considerable amount of turmoil in all aspects of your marriage if you don’t. If you and your spouse don’t agree on this issue, the rift that could result in your marriage could be irreparable. The rift could initially manifest itself as a lack of trust, which is the only thing that’s needed to cause you to doubt everything that your marriage is built on.

Copyright 2015

“Save Your Marriage With These Four Words…”

Nowadays, it seeshut up and mind your own business posterms as if everywhere you turn, there’s always someone standing ready to offer their unsolicited advice on everything from how you should handle “this” situation to what you should do about “that” and so-on and so-forth. Then, to add insult to injury, they try to bait you in even further by trying to make you second-guess yourself and feel guilty about doing what you believe to be in your own best interest.

That’s just it, though—it’s your situation—a situation that you have to live with and navigate your way through to the other side. The sad reality is that these people have become so comfortable with sticking their noses in everyone else’s business that they don’t even see how their actions serve not so much as to help as they do to hinder forward progress toward resolving the actual problem. This is where we, first as women, then as wives, have to check this behavior as soon as it manifests from those people who profess to love and care about us so much, regardless of who that person may be.

Now it’s highly likely that these folks truly believe that they have your best interest at heart, which is all they need to allow themselves to think that it’s okay for them to poke their noses in your business; especially when it comes to proffering advice on how to handle the goings-on in your marriage. That faulty logic couldn’t be farther from the truth and here’s why; simply put, YOU DIDN’T MARRY THEM! Therefore, their opinion of how you “should” handle yourself in your marriage relative to what you “need” to do given your circumstances should be irrelevant.

The point here is relatively simple: Keep people out of your matrimonial business so that you and yours will at least stand a greater chance of making it to happily ever after. You just might save your marriage with these four simple word—and those words are ”MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!” However, it is equally important to note that on the flip-side of that coin is the fact that we, as women and as wives, should always be mindful of just how much of our matrimonial business we put out into the streets when we feel the need to “confide” in anyone other than our spouse.

So now, you’re probably asking yourself “how do I do that?” I know that you don’t want to be mean to anyone or say anything that might hurt someone’s feelings, but the truth of the matter is that there is there is a distinction that can be made between truly helpful advice that often comes from people who really do have your best interest at heart and the not-so-useful advice that usually comes from the people in your life who make it their business to keep their nose all up in your business. These are the people who will COMPLETELY wreck your marriage, your life, and all that you have IF you surrender your power to the influence of their voice instead of being guided by your own. The ultimate reality is that they’re NOT you, nor could they ever be. Therefore, their efforts to “help” you see your situation played out differently based solely upon their analysis of all the ways that they would live your life better than you do is just crazy.  

Please don’t misunderstand what’s being said here. The purpose behind everything expressed herein is not to encourage anyone to reject the counsel of a licensed practitioner who is equipped to provide the level of guidance, support, and assistance needed to help you to navigate your way through/out of any type of abusive situation in which you’re being mistreated and/or victimized. If you’re currently in an abusive marriage and you’ve stumbled upon this post, please take whatever steps necessary to secure the advice, help, and support that you may need to help you make the safest, most informed decision regarding how to move forward.

I hope that I’ve clarified the difference between the advice that will come from those people who are actually in a position to help you navigate your situation for the better, and the advice that will come from those people who will always have something to say about your situation—good, bad, or indifferent. It’s not so much as what these people say as much as it is the aftermath of what they say if you choose to give whatever is said the power of your attention. #mindyourownbusiness

Copyright 2015

“Never Too Much…Is It Possible To Have Too Much Sex In Your Marriage?”

Peoplcouple-hd-wallpaper-downloadn Kissinge get married for all types of reasons. Some people marry for money. Some people marry for fame. Other people marry out of either obligation, duty, or responsibility. There are even those who get married because they’re driven to do so by their eternal commitment to, coupled with their undying love for, that special someone—the “one” with whom they vow to spend the rest of their life with until death separates them.

Just as the reasons why people get married are varied and can be complicated, so too is the truth that anything worth having is worth fighting for. It is this truth that spawned an intense and equally thought-provoking internal discussion that I had with myself focused on the connection between sexual satisfaction and matrimonial happiness. This “internal” discussion was prompted as I read an article that spoke of how next to financial stability and good communication, a lack of sexual fulfillment in marriage rounds out the top three reasons why marriages fail.

As I read the article, it began to hit home in a way that made me pause because I started to hear faint sound of a serious conversation that my husband and I had a few weeks prior regarding how our sex life had become less than fulfilling as a result of various challenges and stressors that had arisen in our relationship echoing throughout my mind. In that moment, my thoughts began to shift and I started to think about everything that sex represents in my marriage. That is when my thought process regarding matrimonial coitus was forever changed.

As I heard my husband’s voice replaying in my head as we argued about how our sex life had become practically non-existent and debated about all of the reasons why, I began to hear what he was saying for the first time. As my husband opened his heart to me, I heard every word he said about what sex with me means to him with my heart. It was at this point when I began to connect with him on a much deeper level, as I began to realize that sex with him means exactly the same thing to me. The issue for us, probably in much of the same way as it is for so many other married couples out there, was that our perspective about the importance of sex in marriage got distorted, which caused us to see the act of having sex as a means to get our individual “needs” met than to see it for the gift that it is.

For my husband, sex allows us to connect with each other physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually simultaneously, thus allowing us to experience the same moment at the highest level of intimacy and togetherness in unison. For him, sex is his deepest expression of communication that he can have with me simply because I am his wife. Yes, sex is pleasurable and can give you a great workout if you work it right; but, moreso than that, sex is our deepest and most pure mode of communication because we’re able to communicate with each other on an entirely different level…one where we know what each other is thinking and feeling without even having to ask or speak. I do share the same point of view regarding the act of sex as my husband, and the beautiful thing about being reminded of this conversation as a result of having read the article is that I now understand the importance of sex in marriage in an entirely different way.

Quite frankly, I think that as wives, we often miss the proverbial boat when we talk about how we can “use” sex to our advantage to manipulate our husbands to do what we want them to do or how we can “use” sex as a somewhat of a behavior modification tool against our husbands to deter a certain set of behaviors by refusing to have sex with them. Of course, there are many different schools of thought about sex and marriage; how much sex is enough…is it possible to have too much sex…the thoughts on which to ponder regarding this topic are endless.

However, as wives, I believe that we should have a clear understanding about why sex is important to us, and I think that it’s equally important for us to understand the same from our husbands’ perspective. It is also important to consider is that quantity without quality will never be fulfilling. I say this because if you focus on the “how many times can we ‘get it in’” over “how did we spend the time that we had connecting with each other and strengthening our bond,” you will miss valuable opportunities to strengthen your connection with your husband above and beyond the physical.

Lastly, if you consistently tend to your lawn the way that you should be, you won’t have to worry about your husband grazing in other pastures because he won’t be able to see past your property line!

So…is it possible to have too much sex in your marriage? Please leave a comment, and keep the conversation going!

Copyright 2015


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